Broken-Broken - Episode 1

“How old are you?”

“I’m sixteen.”

“Did someone rape you….?”

No reply.

“How did this happen?”

“. Does this matter?”

Silence….

“So you want to get rid of this?”

“Yes, is it not possible?”

“Of course it is, but if it was a rape, are you sure you don’t want to press charges….?”

“I am sure.”

More silence….

“How much do you have with you?”

“I have these…..”

“These are smelly and dirty and ugly naira notes. Amina, come over her, check how much is in there….are you serious? Are those coins? Do we still use coins in this country?”

“Doctor, this is one thousand naira and sixty-five naira.”

“What? This girl! This money is not enough. Where is your mother?”

“She is at home…”

“She doesn’t know about this?”

No reply….

“Why is she not here then?”

No reply….

“I can’t do an abortion for you with this amount….”

“Well, then, if you can’t abort the pregnancy for me, doctor…then can I come back and give you the money bits by bits as I can get it or I can work for you please…I will clean your floor, wash your car, sweep…please….?”

Silence….

“Tracy, this child is helpless and she must have an uncaring family, let’s just remove the stuff in her and let her go. She is just a month gone, this should be easy.”

“Get the materials ready for me.”

______ ______ ______

I closed and opened my eyes repeatedly…..

My legs were raised higher than the rest of my body, I was naked except for a piece of cloth that was covering my nakedness while the doctor stood in between my legs…with the nurse standing beside him, pointing a tiny torch inside me….

Please, I don’t want to die..please I don’t want to die….I echoed in my head hopefully if there was a god somewhere he or she could hear me…

I could feel the probing of the doctors metal tools inside of me; it was deeply inserted into me, trying to yank the innocent life.

Every few minutes I would scream.  This pain was a raw quality…it was like someone dipping a hand inside me and pulling my gut with their bare hands. It’s like being ripped rather than cut. It was so intense, I had thought living with my mother would be the biggest pain for me, but this choice….was worse for me.

Searing fiery bursts pulsated around each touch; intensifying with each breath I took….so I held my breath.

I didn’t want to die…

Or maybe I should.

“I need you to hold still!” The doctor snapped at me….raising his head slightly.

He gave the nurse a knowing look and I held my breath, I knew this was it….

Please let it be over…..

There was not a bit of sympathy in his voice but I couldn’t blame him could I?

He removed his hand from under me, along with the two materials that looked like a sickle, attached to the sickle-like object was something which I could barely see before he dropped it in a pan on the table beside me…

I couldn’t see it….

The doctor was already removing his white rubber gloves, dropping them inside the pan as well.

“Get her cleaned up and give her the list of pills to use, the amount she dropped is not enough for us to give her pills here.”

The doctor said to the nurse before he left the room.

“Hey, can you stand up?”

I sighed and slowly tried to raise my head but then I realized how futile it was when I had to bite my lips to stop myself from crying out.

A sharp pain lanced inside me. It was like my whole body has been bitten and each movement caused some bone to ache.

“I can’t” I replied weakly. The room was already beginning to spin and I could tell a stream of blood was flowing down from my private part.

“Come let me help, we need to stop that blood soon so you won’t die of loss of blood.” The kind nurse said to me.

She moved closer to me and slid a hand beneath my back.

Wincing in pain, I held on to her, I was careful not to put all my weight on her so that I wouldn’t stain her and extra careful not to look at the blood oozing down my leg. But there was one second, one second I just happened to look down and I saw the pan.

It was a silver pan, containing a pool of blood. In it was something that looked like the structure of a baby lizard covered in thick blood…I could feel nausea rising inside me but somehow, knowing that was actually a part of me…my child…..a feeling of great sadness and despair began to swell inside me as I looked at it, lying in the pan lifelessly….

Maybe I really deserve to die….

“Hey, do not do that there, you have already given me enough job of cleaning to do.”

I swallowed and with trembling legs, I stepped on the concrete floor, holding the nurse with each step, the pain amplified and the picture I had seen flashed in front of me.

 As I walked slowly, to the bathroom….clinging onto my last willpower not to look behind me…to the child that I have murdered…my child.